Who Stays…and Who Drifts?

During the Covid pandemic there was a running joke at work that a colleague and I spent more time talking to each other than we did to our respective wives. We became really good friends and, even after the pandemic ended, still talked almost every day.

After retirement we’re still good friends, but these days …we probably only catch up about once a month.

And what about the rest of my old work friends?

In my leaving card there were all sorts of good wishes including comments like ‘look forward to keeping in touch’ and ‘make sure you stay in touch’. The comments came from the right place but reality is a little different.

I speak to some of my old colleagues now and then. I haven’t spoken to the rest since I left.

Initially I felt disappointed that so many friendships faded away so fast. After all, we’d worked together for years, celebrated achievements together, solved problems together and shared plenty of memorable events.

But the more I thought about it I realised that this is perfectly logical and , whilst sad, it really had little impact on this stage of my life.

Retirement doesn’t just change how we spend our time, it also changes who we spend it with.

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Why Do We Lose Touch with Work Friends?

Most of us don’t realise how much of our social life revolves around work until we stop working.

During business hours we naturally spend time with our colleagues and share something of our personal lives which, in turn, generates conversations about family, sport and holidays. Hence we become closer to our work mates.

Researchers have a name for this; “shared context”.

Much of what binds us with people at work isn’t friendship as such —it’s sharing the same experiences, challenges, routines and spending time together.

Remove the workplace and, naturally, most of those connections begin to fade.

Not because anyone has fallen out but just because the common ground that we shared has disappeared.

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Is It a Bad Thing?

Not necessarily.

I think most retirees initially experience a period when their social circle becomes a little smaller.

Mine certainly did.

But I’ve come to realise that friendship isn’t a numbers game. It’s more about how strong your connections are with the friends who remain i.e. it comes down to quality v quantity.

So, if a few people naturally drift away from the outer edges of your social circle, don’t be too concerned. That space is often filled by stronger friendships, old friends rediscovered and new people who share the interests that now become the centre of your retirement.

Don’t get me wrong—good friendships really matter. They’re good for our wellbeing, our health and our sense of purpose. That’s exactly why the friendships we value most deserve a little more time and attention than we perhaps gave them when work dominated our lives. Retirement has finally given us that opportunity.

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Not All Friendships are the Same

As I’ve thought more about this, I see friendships falling into one of three broad categories:

Work Friendships

People brought together by circumstance, and shared work goals.

Some of these colleagues become lifelong friends. But most will naturally drift away once the workplace connection disappears.

Historical Friendships

School friends, neighbours, old teammates and people who you’ve met over the years with whom you’ve clicked.

These friendships survive retirement—but only if at least one of you makes the effort to keep them alive.

Interest Friendships

The people you meet because you genuinely enjoy doing the same things.

In my case photography, travel, walking, volunteering, and writing.

These friendships often become stronger in retirement because they’re based on shared interests and who you are now, rather than what you used to do.

(Whilst researching my family tree I came across a second cousin from Australia. I never knew she existed up until then. We’ve met up quite a few times since then and have become really quite close. So you never quite know where you’ll discover new friends.)

How Did I Cope with this Social Circle Adjustment?

It was sad to see friendships with some old colleagues disappear but it really hasn’t affected my social life.

Why?

I guess that the answer is that I’ve been taking my own advice and have been both looking after existing friendships and have been open to creating new ones:

Retaining Work-Colleague Friends

I’m staying in touch with some friends from work.

I’m still in touch with some old colleagues that I have a real connection with. Contact may be infrequent but we do manage to meet up every now and then, and keep in touch via WhatsApp, phone or email.

I even use a contact spreadsheet to keep tabs on how long it’s been since I last talked to them.  Yes really!

The mind has a funny way of convincing you that things happened recently when it’s actually been a matter of months. I have no intention of letting these valuable friendships fade due to lack of effort and so I have my spreadsheet.

Reconnecting with Old Friends

I’m using the new-found freedom of time to reconnect with friends from my past.

There are some long standing friends where contact has gradually reduced to the exchange Christmas cards or a phone call every now and then. Since retirement I’ve been much more proactive in reaching out to these friends and arranging meet-ups. And I’m happy to say that meeting them tends to melt away the years and we take up exactly where we left off.

Making New Friends

I look to join in with new activities and meet new people.

Trying out new activities – joining clubs and travelling with groups – leads to new interests and new friends.

Saying ‘Yes’ More Often

Saying ‘Yes’ to invitations has become my default setting.

I intentionally say ‘Yes’ to new experiences and activities (even those that don’t, at least initially, chime with me). By doing this – and setting myself personal challenges (365 Days of Photos, bread making, blogging/writing, etc.) –  I naturally come into contact with new people and make new friends. The more I say ‘yes’ the more potential new friends I meet.

Creating My Own Social Opportunities

Sometimes you can’t wait for someone else to open up a social door, so I open it myself.

Along with a friend, I organise 6 monthly Whisky Tasting Nights. The nights are really just a excuse to get together with a few people, share an affable evening with great company and try out some great – and not so great* – whiskies.(*My fault – I select the whisky!)

Friendship Group Holidays

Finding positive ways to keep in touch.

Every year we rent a house with a group of couples who we know through our children’s schooling. We spend a whole week exploring a different part of the country and finding activities that remind us that we’re not dead yet!

If nothing else, retirement has taught me that friendships don’t just happen by themselves. They need lots of care and attention.

Final Thoughts

One of the nicest surprises of retirement has been discovering that making friends doesn’t stop when you leave work.

It just happens differently.

Sometimes all it takes is saying ‘Yes’.

Sometimes it’s picking up the phone.

Sometimes it’s joining a club.

Sometimes it means organising an event yourself.

And sometimes it’s simply being the person who sends the first message or calls first. After all, someone has to.

Some friendships fade. Others become stronger. New ones appear where you least expect them.

Retirement doesn’t reduce your social life—it simply reshapes it.

RETIREMENT UPDATES

Ongoing Commitments

Joining a New Society/Club – Surprisingly it wasn’t the local history society that I joined first. It was U3A. I’ll let you know how I get on.

Personal Challenges

Nooks, Crannies &…Moments – I missed sharing photos so much – after my 365 Days of Photos project – that I was encouraged to start a new project called Nooks, Crannies &…Moments.

These images are all about capturing different angles of the world, hidden corners and small moments.

Saying ‘Yes’

Was your experience different – did you retain all of your work friends?

How have you dealt with the loss of work friends?

Let me know in the comments section or email me directly:

rookieretiree@btinternet.com

Future Blog Contents

Next month will see a new edition of the Other Voices series. Expect steam trains, travel and more people doing retirement their own way.

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Every chapter of the Rookie Retiree Journal explores a different side of life after full-time work — from personal stories to health, purpose and travel.

Want to explore a little further?

👉 New here? Start with the WELCOME PAGE

👉 Looking for something else? View the full CONTENTS PAGE

👉 Read related items on this topic here:

• STAYING CONNECTED
• FINDING FULFILLMENT AFTER 9-5
• OTHER VOICES CONTINUED – PART 4

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Regards

Phil Marsh is the creator of Rookie Retiree, exploring life after work — the choices, challenges and possibilities that come with the luxury of choice.